Dear Quick Turn Luke,

Hi. In the three months that I've worked at [redacted], I've seen your penis more times than my own boyfriend's. That I've seen your penis at all, though, is more alarming, really, than the frequency.

Though the frequency truly is alarming.

I'm a guy. You're a guy. We both use the men's room. But then, you have to go and get all quick with the turning and: penis. Actually, penis, and also your troubling taste in "seasonal" boxer shorts. If you're not choosing your own clothes, someone hates you.

The reason I've seen your penis and your boxers is because you have this habit of turning to look in the mirror as you tuck everything back in to its proper place. There you are, your face all distorted with the effort of keeping your shirt out of the way by holding it with your chin, penis out for all the world to see. And you're methodical, too. The penis goes in a certain way; and then you rummage with that weird pee-flap that I've never understood how to use (seriously: it's like genital gymnastics trying to get a penis in and out through those flap-things. Clearly, our forebears who used those were smarter than we); and then there's the shifting of the pants before you zip, button, and belt; and then, finally, there's the shirt tucking.

Oh, and all this is accompanied by whistling. Or humming.

I know what you're thinking: Who's this perv? No one's forcing him to watch. And I'd totally agree with you if this were a one-time occurrence and then I totally Rain Man-ed on your jock. But it's every. freakin'. day, sir. And really, it's gotta stop. I wish I had a solution for you, some way for you to accomplish the proper putting-away of your...stuff...without the quickturn and all that -- but frankly, I've thought too much as it is about you and your penis. You're going to have to figure this one out on your own.

And God willing? It'll be before I have to pee again in the next hour.

Sincerely,

Mike Bevel
Suite 700