The Oscars
I made it until 11:00 and then I couldn't take it any more. Seriously, I don't care about the technical Oscars given earlier in the week in Beverly Hills. I mean, great: they got an Oscar, and how proud we are of all of them. That doesn't mean I want them on the actual telecast. If they want on the actual telecast, they can do it the usual way: play a retarded man or an ugly woman who kills people. Or June Carter Cash.
I love Jon Stewart the way I love all the Jews: all at once and much too completely. However, maybe the Oscars isn't the best venue for this guy. Actors aren't very bright, especially if you're an actor named Keira Knightley and you let someone from the Helen Keller school of cosmetology apply your mascara. Subtle and really funny cracks aren't going to register. What will register? Ben Stiller dressed like some kind of freakshow gimp pretending to be invisible. And for the pants-wetting finale? Billy Crystal getting shot in the neck with a tranq dart. Actors need broad humor to know that they should laugh much like they need easy causes like AIDS and the environment to know that they have to care.
Also, I thought we had come to an agreement about the Debbie Allen situation, right? And I seem to remember all of us agreeing that no, actually, NO: there will be no more dance sequences at the Oscars. Not to beat a dead horse, but I still can't take Rob Lowe seriously. So there I am, not really enjoying the Oscars because they were either (a) boring or (b) painful (Oh, Lauren Bacall: bless your heart) and out of nowhere there's a burning car on stage and a lot of interpretive slo-mo dance. I didn't want to have to resort to the Geneva Convention about this, but I'm also not above putting Ms. Allen to death if it turns out she is somehow involved.
Also, what are we going to do about Meryl Streep? Take some time; we don't want to rush in to anything. But something needs to happen sooner rather than later. Either she needs to go or Robert Altman. I'll leave that up to committee.
I love Jon Stewart the way I love all the Jews: all at once and much too completely. However, maybe the Oscars isn't the best venue for this guy. Actors aren't very bright, especially if you're an actor named Keira Knightley and you let someone from the Helen Keller school of cosmetology apply your mascara. Subtle and really funny cracks aren't going to register. What will register? Ben Stiller dressed like some kind of freakshow gimp pretending to be invisible. And for the pants-wetting finale? Billy Crystal getting shot in the neck with a tranq dart. Actors need broad humor to know that they should laugh much like they need easy causes like AIDS and the environment to know that they have to care.
Also, I thought we had come to an agreement about the Debbie Allen situation, right? And I seem to remember all of us agreeing that no, actually, NO: there will be no more dance sequences at the Oscars. Not to beat a dead horse, but I still can't take Rob Lowe seriously. So there I am, not really enjoying the Oscars because they were either (a) boring or (b) painful (Oh, Lauren Bacall: bless your heart) and out of nowhere there's a burning car on stage and a lot of interpretive slo-mo dance. I didn't want to have to resort to the Geneva Convention about this, but I'm also not above putting Ms. Allen to death if it turns out she is somehow involved.
Also, what are we going to do about Meryl Streep? Take some time; we don't want to rush in to anything. But something needs to happen sooner rather than later. Either she needs to go or Robert Altman. I'll leave that up to committee.
posted by Mike at 5:41 AM
1 Comments:
Ever since I started dating Zach, I haven't really watched the Oscars. I was so excited that he relented -- and then so disappointed that the Oscars themselves didn't deliver.
I disagree with you a little on the documentary front. I really like a good documentary; I really didn't want stupid March of the Penguins. (Darwin's Nightmare was amazing). But greatest achievements in sound? I don't need to see that.
Jon Stewart did disappoint. I think the crowd last night just isn't his crowd at all. Which is ironic, because he's towing the Hollywood line, kind of.
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